Hey Yo Miss

“Miss come on I only need 2 minutes. It will be quick.” Take a wild guess what he was asking about.

As I was walking in the building all I heard a kid yelling at me was “Don’t worry Miss I got a big one that will fit your body.” Turns out he was talking about an umbrella but everyone around sure thought he was talking about something else.

I was talking about my recent paintball excursion with one of my students. I was telling her how people kept shooting at my back after I ran out of amo and was walking off the course. Another student heard the conversation about halfway through and this was his response…
S: Yo! Miss is a thug! Miss, you were getting shot at and just walked away slowly? That’s tough.

T: That’s how I do. I’m not a punk.

People accused of starting revolts were sent to sketchy prisons in Russia.

S: Miss, if a person is retarded do they know it?

T: Well I guess that depends on how severe it is, they might not be able to understand the concept. Also, maybe their parents never told them.

S: Well miss, I’m a little worried I might be retarded.

T: Ummm, you’re not.

S: I’ve got to be something. Schizophrenic maybe? Bipolar?

T: Based off of what I have observed you don’t seem to be either of those.

S: Well, sometimes I just lose it on people for no reason. What’s that called?

T: (I had a lot of responses to that question in my head) You just have poor coping skills. You probably just need anger management.

S: As long as I’m not retarded.

Today we took 39 students to DC. The following are some of the highlights of the trip.

S: Why is DC so important? Why are there so many cops?
T: Because it’s the nations capital.
S: I don’t know what that means.

(While sightseeing on the Mall)
S: So miss, when does the shopping start?
T: (stops group) How many of you thought a tour of the Mall meant we were going shopping?
Half the group raises their hands.

When handing out $10 to each student for dinner….
S: Wait miss, every student gets $10?
T: Yes, all 39 of you.
S: That’s like $200!

Highlight of the day for the kids was talking to the Capitol Police Officers and asking them how much they make.
S: So how much do you make an hour?
Cop: We get a salary.
S: (blank stare)…So you get bonuses? Like at Christmas?
Cop: Ummm no. I work for the government, that doesn’t happen.
S: So the guide said you are allowed to carry a gun everywhere you go. So you can just walk down the street with an AK?
Cop: Definitely not.

I have one student, we will call her Lola, who is my shadow. She is my intern but ,even if she wasn’t, she would be in my room. She usually has some hilarious insight to the chaos that is my job. The question she posed to me today brought things to a new level.
Lola: Miss, when does your period start?
Me: Really? This is what you think we should be talking about?
Lola: Well I was just wondering if we are going to get our cycles on the same schedule since we are together so much.

This is my life.

As I’m leaving school I notice one of my students getting into his car in the parking lot. The way he talks about his car I thought it was something small and sexy. I was wrong. It’s a minivan. When I called him out on it, “It’s a family car! You know I got the kids!” Amazing.

I spend my day trying to tell my students how to keep drama out of their relationships. One young man thinks its a good idea to date friends in the same school, the other prefers to date enemies who also attend the same school. I suggested they spread their ladies out, one from our school, maybe one from the GED Plus program. While one student was disgusted by the prospect of a 70 year old Chinese girlfriend, the other wasn’t. “If she’s 70 she must be trickin’ so it’s ok. Plus, she’s BEEN doing this cooking thing, she doesn’t even need a stove. She makes the fire with the sticks in the crib.”

Apparently if you crush your birth control pills into your shampoo it makes your hair grow. You can have long hair and a baby.